Climbing my mountain

Another day, another disappointment. My caseworker called telling me, that I can’t file a claim because I am out of the stature of limitations. It hurt. It pierced directly into my wounded soul. I didn’t get an apology from him as he denied it all. I can’t send him to court and I can’t even get the slightest reimbursement to the tens of thousands of dollars that I’ve spent healing from this monster.

It just doesn’t seem fair. Is there a stature of limitations to the pain he caused? Did all the flashbacks and triggers stop haunting me? Was all the damage healed? While yes I’ve done so much work healing from this all, I still have so much more to travel. Although I’ve filled so many buckets of tears, I know that I will still fill many more, as my scars are still bleeding. The scabs covering my bleeding heart keep coming off.

I’m upset and frustrated thinking that I won’t get what I deserve. However, there’s a small part of me that doesn’t want the money. I don’t want his compensation as his money is dirty. I don’t want to have anything to do with him. Additionally and perhaps more importantly, I don’t want him to think that he can fix it all with money. Money can’t bring dead people back to living and money can’t bring the spark of light back into my soul.

The light in my soul was extinguished but in its place I’m lighting a flame which is so much bigger than my original spark. I can’t replace the over ten years that he has stolen from me but I can live the rest of my life as a survivor and warrior. He’s stolen my love and compassion for myself but I know that when I reach my destination, I will have so much more than what he took from me. I know that all my years of grueling work on climbing one of the steepest mountains in my life, will pay off. I know that when I reach the peak of the mountain, I will be filled with the greatest self love and compassion that I’ve ever experienced.

So, would his money be helpful? Would it help me pay for all my loses as a direct result from him? Yes it would and it would be nice, but thinking it over, I don’t want him or his money. I want to show him and more importantly myself, that I’m winning this war. One day at a time. One battle at a time.

The climb is so hard and the terrain is so difficult. The occasional mudslides which throw me off course make it even harder. However, I know that I need to reach the top. I need to be able to stand on the peak. His blatant denial to me was a massive mudslide that threw me down really fast but I climbed back up.

I don’t know how or when I will reach the top. I don’t know how many storms I’ll need to fight through to get there but I can’t stop thinking about the feelings and emotions I will be feeling, while standing tall and proud, at that peak, telling myself that I made it. I’ve climbed the mountain which was one of the most difficult climbs.

Looking down and seeing my abuser, who used to be so big and strong in my eyes, will then look like the size of an ant. My abuser who used to be so powerful and controlling, will be thousands of feet below me. Too weak to even attempt to climb. Too cowardly to give an apology. Too fragile to own up to his heinous actions. So I ask myself, does it hurt that I can’t get the money I wanted, yes it does hurt but I know that the feelings of triumph will be so much stronger if I didn’t need to come onto him!