Keep fighting

I’d like to share with you all, a painful yet extremely powerful morning I just experienced. I woke up early this morning after a horrifically painful night. I was heavily triggered from something and was therefore awake most of the night. I was twisting and turning trying desperately to rid the image of my sexual abusers out of my head. When I did finally fall asleep, I had one of my worst nightmares that I’ve ever had. It was so vivid and clear. I awoke to my body shaking, my muscles tight and a racing heart. My head was aching from a migraine which was caused by seeing him in my sleep.

I was laying in bed. Crying. Defeated. Ready to do the thing I never thought I’ll do. I was ready to raise my hands in surrender. Raise that white flag and give in to being a damaged victim, forever. I was ready to name myself a victim instead of a survivor. The pain is just too much. The battles too intense and I’m out of ammunition. Out of the willpower to continue the fight.

However, something in me refused to let go. The title “victim” just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel fair. I was now battling my inner voices, part of me screaming to call it quits, yet another part yelling even louder, to fight back and fight even harder.

I don’t know how, but I pulled all my strength together and was planning a counterattack. I gathered every ounce of resilience I owned. I put together every bit of perseverance I had and got out of bed. Walking around, feeling the floor with my legs, feeling the safety of my own home brought me back to my current life.

As I was coming back to myself, I felt myself getting stronger. I knew that I couldn’t allow my abuser to win over me. I couldn’t allow someone who is so cowardly that he denied it all, to run my life. Although back then, he appeared to be so strong, I now know how weak and sick he is. I couldn’t allow someone so filthy to ruin my life any longer.

I opened my bedroom door, determined to make it a good day. I made myself a coffee and put in extra sugar. I took medication for my migraine and opened my backyard door to my deck. The sky was the most beautiful blue. Not a cloud in sight. The fresh crisp air soothed my soul. Looking upwards, I called out to God and made a promise.

I told God that I will never give in. I will never give up. I will never stop fighting and I pleaded with God to continue giving me the strength to wage this war. Although I didn’t hear God’s response, I knew He heard me. I felt it in my bones.

By opening that door to my deck, and looking up at the magnificent blue sky, I felt an infinite amount of strength wash over me. The sky was so soothing. God’s world is so pure. God’s creations are so pure and if I’m one of His creations, I know that I’m pure as well.

Yes, this monster hurt me. He defiled and degraded me in every way possible. He used me to fulfill every single fetish he can think of and after many years, I somehow managed to escape his prison. I managed to escape his grasp and attempt to start my journey of healing.

I embarked on this journey many years ago, but this morning I opened the door to the next stage in my journey.

I opened the door to knowing and fully believing that I will never give up.

I opened the door to knowing that no matter how difficult it gets, I still have the power to fight back.

I opened the door to allow God’s infinite strength to flow into my heart, thereby giving me the infinite powers necessary to fight and win this battle.