The walls of the sukkah

I’m in my kitchen staring at the walls of the sukkah and can’t help but see a direct parallel to myself and my life.

The walls are fully decorated. They’re beautiful and inviting on an external level.
However the boards themselves are not completely sturdy. There are cracks between the boards letting in the wind. The schach above, although externally pretty, doesn’t offer any real protection from the elements.

I as well, have an internal and external world.
Externally I’m decorated with a facade of being happy and functional. Externally I look okay and can perhaps even be a source of jealousy for others.

However, beneath the very thin facaded walls lies a weak, fragile and broken body.
These walls feel broken with many seams and cracks.
The walls around me and the ceiling above me feel unsafe and insecure.

So I question myself, am I the seemingly successful external self or am I the fearful and weak inner self?
Am I the father, husband and adult or am I a wounded, fearful, broken and confused inner child?

Looking back at the sukkah, something seems off.
If we were commanded to build a sukkah to remain in for seven days, shouldn’t it be something more secure?
And if God is okay with something weak and fragile, isn’t it a lie to cover and decorate the walls pretending we have something we really don’t?

Additionally, we are taught that we invite our ancestors into the sukkah. Shouldn’t we have something a bit more presentable?
Shouldn’t they be invited into our homes and not the sukkah?
We’re also taught that God joins us in the sukkah and once again, why invite God Himself who’s absolute infinity into something so weak, fragile and finite?

A few thousand years ago, after the sin of the golden calf, we were very close to being lost. However despite our actions, God took us back in as His chosen people and family. He loved and accepted us.
With our flaws.
We build a sukkah to celebrate Gods embrace to us. The three walls are symbolic of His hug to us.

It was during these days so many years ago that God gave us the greatest and most beautiful message.

Many of us feel so broken.
So violated and used.
We feel weak, damaged and helpless.
We feel so deeply flawed.
We feel rejected and dejected.
We feel unwanted and undesirable.

But so are the shaky sukkah walls right outside my kitchen.
They have cracks in the walls.
They shake in the wind.
They don’t seem durable for a long period of time.
Yet we decorate them in the most beautiful of ways.
We rejoice in them and invite our ancestors as well as God Himself.

Those of us who’s been hurt have developed deeper souls. We’ve built a level of resilience that others don’t possess.
We’ve been hurt badly but we’re still around.
We’ve been brutally broken but we’re still standing upright.
The fire in our souls was extinguished time and time again, but we keep rekindling it over and over.
We have had every reason to knock our walls down and call it quits but with the strength we’ve developed, we keep going every day, every hour, every minute.

This is our own internal sukkah.
We deserve to be decorated just as much as the walls of the sukkah.
I know this because God himself chooses to join us in the sukkah rather than our home. He chose us despite our sins.

Looking back at the sukkah, tears begin to weld up in my eyes. I feel so at one with the sukkah.
Both the weakness and the beauty.
The fragility and the strength.
The shaky walls and the beautiful decor.
If the sukkah can feel and be decorated so can I.
If the sukkah can be proud, so can I.

Lastly, I’ve been thinking to invite an additional guest into the sukkah.
The wounded inner child of mine.
The fearful, terrified and hurting little me.
I’d love to bring him in, embrace him and teach him this beautiful lesson.
I’d like to show him around and tell him that just like the sukkah walls are decorated and cherished, so is he.
He’s loved regardless of what he’s been through.
He’s beautiful despite feeling so weak.
He deserves to be decorated and appreciated although he doesn’t feel it.

The sukkah loves him!
I love him!
God loves him!