Sitting in my seat in the plane, above the wing, I can see the engine. Oh the engine that brings on waves of pain. The engine that I've looked at, with so much confusion, darkness and deep agony so many years ago. I so wanted to leave the bitterness of my past but at the … Continue reading Lessons from a jet engine!
I've been trying to write this post many times over the past few weeks. I would start, write a few sentences but would have to stop as I wasn't feeling it. My life has been a roller coaster on so many levels, over the last little while, with many more declines than inclines. I tried … Continue reading The roller coaster of healing.
I chanced upon an article today which brought me to tears. It was written by the son of the famed holocaust survivor, Eli Wiesel. In it, his son describes his rebellious behaviors against his father, his schools and religion. He goes on to say that his father would constantly tell him two words. Two small … Continue reading Just be!
This week is a very unique anniversary for me. It marks the date of when I began my journey of healing, twelve years ago. It was a cold, rainy and windy morning when I first stepped into that office. I've been in many rooms and offices since, have grown and fallen too many times to … Continue reading My anniversary!
Dear friend, co-worker, boss, sibling. I'd like to open my heart for just a bit and share with you all what it's like to be a victim of abuse and molestation. I'm not here to scare you or dramatize what our lives are about. I'm simply putting pen to paper, describing what we go through … Continue reading Dear friends,
I usually don't have trouble with words, yet I'm finding it difficult to put my brain onto paper. I've tried using several different metaphors yet they weren't doing justice to truly describe my brain and the brain of someone with complex PTSD. However, I'd like to try once more and see how it goes. Imagine … Continue reading Tightrope walker!
Here's something I wrote to no one in particular. It was simply coming from that deep place of desperation to be heard and understood. If I could, I promise I would.If I didn't, I promise I couldn't. If I could simply shut my brain off, I promise I would.If I could be the father everyone … Continue reading If I could, I would!
Dear Sukkah, As I look at your boards I feel a very deep connection. Although I have built your walls many times over the years, I've never felt this before. I usually need to disconnect, as most holidays are heavily triggering for me, yet this year, it was as though there was a silent cry … Continue reading Dear Sukkah
There's that painful and honest question that I've been asking my therapist many times. It's been on my mind for the last while. "Is healing really possible?" If it is, then why oh why am I not there yet??? If it's not, then why continue the fight? Why continue fighting if I'll never win the … Continue reading Is healing possible??
The boy who didn't exist. There was once a boy who didn't exist. He existed physically; not emotionally. Wasn't allowed to feel or share. Wasn't able express his wishes or needs. It wasn't safe. Wasn't considered normal. He was broken down time and time again ensuring that he would remain non existent. He only was, … Continue reading The battle of existence
Dear Father in Heaven, Tonight, all across the world, in the dimly lit shuls, we will be reading Eicha. Those haunting words, are read in a tune so full of longing. Yearning to go back home. Yearning to be together once again. Yearning to see and feel your loving embrace. Those first three words, are … Continue reading Tisha B’av thoughts
I must admit, the last few weeks have been a rough time frame for me. I've hit some very rough terrain which kept throwing me off course. I've been treading water trying to maintain afloat, while the waves of emotions and feelings kept pushing me under. There were days that I felt like a complete … Continue reading Hidden heros
I was standing in that room, getting that X-ray. It was an innocent X-ray, yet something about it, triggered me very strongly. It triggered extreme pain in my entire being. It caused me to have a mini panic attack and I began to feel weak and shaky, yet somehow I was able to get through … Continue reading Peaks and valleys
It happened yet again, suddenly, without any warning. I was innocently going through some pictures on an old memory card. My finger was on the forward key, while the pictures to were sliding by one after the next. When suddenly my finger froze. Staring right at me were pictures I've taken during some of the … Continue reading A fiery victory!
I'm standing at the end of the most brutal week of my life. Looking back, I still can't believe I made it through. What started off as an innocent trigger, set off an explosion of many memories that were hidden deep inside my soul. They all emerged with a ferocious energy, knocking me down harder … Continue reading Keep fighting
I'm sitting outside on my recliner, trying to fill my body with the fresh and crisp midnight air. It's been a brutal week for me, with countless challenges, nightmares and triggers. I'm tired physically and emotionally and I'm desperately trying to rejuvenate myself with the peaceful quiet. All is silent, aside from the crickets between … Continue reading Our hidden light.
I'd like to share with you all, a painful yet extremely powerful morning I just experienced. I woke up early this morning after a horrifically painful night. I was heavily triggered from something and was therefore awake most of the night. I was twisting and turning trying desperately to rid the image of my sexual … Continue reading Keep fighting
Dear readers, I'm taking the risk of sharing this post. I know I may get flack for it. For those of you that are in the same boat as myself, you will understand my pain. As for the rest, I'm humbly offering my blessing that you should never know of the pain I'm talking about. … Continue reading The silent battlefield
The news seems as though it has no mercy. It's constant bombardment of the dismal updates on this vicious disease is too much to bear. Another patient rushed to the hospital. Another victim died. Another family member or close friend is in critical condition. The texts keep coming in, screaming, to pray for yet another … Continue reading The silent victims of this virus.
The past week has thrown me into very dark and difficult places. It has brought on many flashbacks. It triggered many old memories. It caused my anxiety to sky rocket. My PTSD is at an all time high. My strength is ebbing away and I don't know what will be with me when it's gone. … Continue reading You are not alone!
If there is one word today that holds enormous power, it is the word "coronavirus". It's all over the media. It's in every conversation. It's on everyone's mind. The anxiety and panic is so palpable, it can be felt wherever you go. It started as an innocent illness thousands of miles away and although some … Continue reading Coronavirus!
Dear Abuser, Over the past many years I have been feeling as though you've extinguished my inner flame. I have written many articles describing the darkness in my soul. I have spoken about that deep inner void that is bereft of any form of life, due to that internal fire in me that you smothered … Continue reading The battle of the two fires!
I was once again sitting on that green couch in my therapists room. That infamous couch which I've become both friends and enemies with. It was on that couch that I've made so many victories on. The couch that I've shed many tears on. The couch that I've gone into the most painful parts of … Continue reading My own holiday.
I'm sitting at the eve of a 36 hour wave of darkness, the likes of which I haven't experienced in a long time. To say the pain was immense, would be an understatement. I was immobile. I couldn't function. My brain was racing like never before and as hard as I tried to slow it … Continue reading This too shall pass
If only the walls of my room would have a voice, they would speak of the amount of tears I've shed behind closed doors. If only the voicemail on my phone would say the truth, it would say that I don't mean to ignore you, I just don't have the emotional energy to talk. If … Continue reading If only….
Another day, another disappointment. My caseworker called telling me, that I can't file a claim because I am out of the stature of limitations. It hurt. It pierced directly into my wounded soul. I didn't get an apology from him as he denied it all. I can't send him to court and I can't even … Continue reading Climbing my mountain
Sitting on the grass in my backyard while leaning back on a tree, I'm reflecting over the storm that has just hit, forcing me to pause on my journey of healing. It was perhaps the biggest storm to date. It brought in the worst darkness and the strongest winds. Winds that were so powerful that … Continue reading Please never give up!
It's Chanukah morning, the Festival of Lights. Yet I lay in bed with a horrible migraine, feeling so much darkness. This migraine is a result of a few horrible nightmares that I had last night. Although the morning sun is shining through my bedroom window, it's no match against the inner darkness that has completely … Continue reading My own personal Chanukah miracle!
It's just a few hours before sundown, which will bring in the celebration of my birthday. My children are finishing up on their posters and I can see the excitement on their pure faces. It's "Daddy's Birthday" and that means so much to them. Watching them smile with glee is breaking my heart. They are … Continue reading Birthday triumphs
There was once a family, not long ago, living in a very close knit community. This family was from the most prestigious and kindhearted in town. They were the role model for so many. They defined what it means to have a truly beautiful and harmonious home. The parents had that awesome blend of self … Continue reading Our special gift…
It's been a long and difficult day for me. I came home and sat on my couch holding my beautiful baby in my arms, watching him stare into my eyes. His gaze was penetrating deep into me. Deep into my wounded soul. Soothing my bleeding heart. Caressing my aching soul. After a few priceless moments, … Continue reading Staring into my newborns eyes….
Sailing down the river in my beautiful custom boat, filled with every luxurious upgrade that one can dream for. As I'm smoothly traveling along the magnificently beautiful ocean, seeing in the far distance how the blue of the sky and that of the ocean blend together as one. This scene is almost too much to … Continue reading Feeling hopeful!
To my dear fellow abuse survivors, I just left yet another grueling and painful therapy session. Although I'm tired and worn out from all the effort I'm investing into my journey of healing, I do see an undeniable slow and steady sense of freedom from my past. Freedom from the shackles that my abuser placed … Continue reading You are incredible
Dear friends I was in a terrible car accident yesterday. I was not at fault and didn't see the car coming. It happened so quickly. My car spun around and was completely totaled. It was smoking and burst into flames. I somehow managed to break open a window and crawl out, bruised and bleeding. I … Continue reading The power of a trigger
Today I've reached the peak of a very tall mountain. It's been an impossibly hard climb. There were many times that I wanted to give up and just go back to the bottom of the mountain. There were times that I've slipped and times that I had to hold onto my climbing rope for dear … Continue reading Mountain climbers
Sitting at the water. The weather is perfect. The sky is a perfect blue with just enough clouds to add to the color and beauty. There are hundred of miles of water in front of me. The water is the most magnificent blue. The Waves are so smoothly crashing against the beach sand. The breeze … Continue reading Lessons from the sun…
Dear abuser, I've had some time to reflect over my progress that I've gained over the last few months. I've done intense therapy, doing things I never thought I'll be able to do. Going to places I never wanted to go to. Digging deeply into those very painful and traumatic memories. I've gone back there … Continue reading Some reflection….
I've just left yet another therapy session. Another one of those sessions being forced to face the darkest and most painful parts of my life. I've done it hundreds of times before and I know I will still do it many more times. Yet each time it's hard again. So hard. Impossibly hard to go … Continue reading The strength it takes….
Dear abuser, I've reached a new and very special milestone today. I got to a place in which I thought I'll never get to. It was so meaningful and so emotional at the same time. It was a moment of immense pain, yet at the same time I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God and … Continue reading A very special victory for me!
I just saw you! You. The you that robbed my life. The you that stole my peace of mind. The you that hurt me and burned me. The you that extinguished the flame in my soul. The you that appeared in so many of my nightmares. The you that changed my life forever. The you … Continue reading Thoughts upon seeing my abuser at an event
I'm Sitting at the shore of the Atlantic Ocean after an extremely painful therapy session. I once again went deeply into the most traumatic part of my life. The part in which I never wanted to face out of fear of falling apart. The part that I have nightmares about. The part which causes me … Continue reading Ocean side thoughts.
It was not me who gave away my mind, my body and my soul, To a sick and selfish man who used me and placed me in a burning hole. It was not me who took his bait, and fell for his tactics, And went along with his sly and very planned out antics. It … Continue reading A poem that took a few min to write but years of work to be able to write it
I woke up this morning, my head spinning, I couldn't believe the day was only beginning. Last nights nightmares were so vivid and real, Yet another flashback throwing me back to my days of hell. I pushed myself out of bed straight to my coffee machine, Hoping to calm my spinning head with a dose … Continue reading One of those challenging days…
Dear Friends, I'm sitting here completely wiped and drained both physically and emotionally. I've been through yet another awesomely challenging day. A day loaded with triggers from my many years of abuse. A day full of sadness and grief over my lost childhood. A day filled with so much pain and grief over my life. … Continue reading My own personal answer to the painful question of “Where’s Hashem?”
Dear parents, I'm sitting in my car after a therapy session and I'm crying. I was at therapy last night and went again this morning. I'm crying out of pain and hurt. I was emotionally and religiously abused for many years by my parents and was then sexually abused by a mean and selfish monster … Continue reading My personal plea to parents!
Dear abuser, I'm writing this letter to you through a mixture of awesome pain, anger and disgust. I won't be sending this to you as I don't want any connection with you and honestly I don't think you even deserve to hear from me. I'm just releasing some of my emotions onto this paper. I … Continue reading Dear abuser
Dear Hashem, I usually have words to say. I can usually just sit down and the words simply flow out with such ease onto my paper. However, this morning I don't have words. They are stuck somewhere between my aching heart and the huge lump in my throat. I usually write to you with a … Continue reading Sometimes the only way is to surrender.
Dear friends, I've been sick all week with pneumonia. I've been quite weak and fatigued. I've had trouble breathing and was fighting a fever. I was at the doctor twice and at the hospital twice. I woke up this morning finally feeling a bit better. The sun was brightly shining through my window. The trees … Continue reading Dear Friends
Dear abuse victims, I'm calling out to you from the very depths of my heart and my soul. It's the very same soul that was stolen from me by a selfish and vicious abuser. While attacking my soul, he robbed me of my innocence and sense of safety in this world. He stifled my voice … Continue reading Please don’t suffer in silence!