Sitting in my seat in the plane, above the wing, I can see the engine. Oh the engine that brings on waves of pain. The engine that I’ve looked at, with so much confusion, darkness and deep agony so many years ago. I so wanted to leave the bitterness of my past but at the same time, I was flying away to a new place with a horrible abuser. I knew deep within me that it won’t be good.
That engine that propelled the plane down the runway, soaring into the sky, away from my previous abuse, while sending me into a living hell at my new destination. I loved where the engine was taking me from but hated where it was sending me to.
Here I am, almost twenty years later, sitting and watching the engine once again. So many mixed feelings. So many conflicting emotions. Part of me wants to scream and wail over the pain that this little child within me had to endure.
While another part feels so much pride.
So much power.
They broke me.
Buried me alive.
Yet here I am, on a plane once again, flying down the runway, soaring towards the sky of life.
I’m Feeling stuck between these two opposite mountains, with each one pulling me in their direction. The pain is so strong and mighty yet the mountain of hope is so much brighter.
Perhaps I can go to both. Perhaps I can sit on the mountain of pain. For a bit. Feel the confusion of back then. Sob over my life that wasn’t. Mourn over the many lost years and the innocence that was robbed from me.
At the same time, I can switch over to the opposing mountain. I can sit on the mountain peak while gazing at the mountain of sadness from afar. Watching their fires of hell, I can feel proud that I lived through it and came out stronger. I may feel damaged but I can still feel strength. I can feel hurt and broken but I’m slowly rebuilding myself. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Watching the engine, suck in air and thrust it out with mighty force, perhaps I can do the same. Inhale the life of healing. Of hope. Of light. And exhale the darkness, the sadness and the pain.
While I am very well aware that it’s not easy and that the battle is a long and brutal one, I know it’s possible. The airplane engines took years to develop and perfect until they are what they are today. It took many failed attempts. Many ups and downs along the journey of building and fine tuning the jet engine.
I need to give myself time to build my own engine. I need to be proud when I have a victory. When I am able to suck in the air of hope. When I’m able to soar to new heights. When I can face my fears and rise above them.
At the same time, when turbulence comes my way, I need to sit down and know that it will pass, regardless of the intensity of it. There is no turbulence that lasts forever.