I’ve been trying to write this post many times over the past few weeks. I would start, write a few sentences but would have to stop as I wasn’t feeling it. My life has been a roller coaster on so many levels, over the last little while, with many more declines than inclines. I tried writing inspiration but simply wasn’t able to. I tried writing positivity but my heart poured out negativity.
However right now, as I sit on stable ground for the time being, I’d like to share some thoughts.
Over the last while, I’ve had my times in which I would hold on for dear life, while my seat on the roller coaster would race down the narrow and shaky path. At times my car would go upside down with only my harness fighting against the gravity wanting to pull me down. I had my times when I thought the ride will never end. Yet perhaps the hardest, was to watch the stark contrast between myself and my fellow riders. They all had family and friends cheering and clapping at them from down below, while I was alone in my car riding the ride of hell. Additionally being that the enemy I fight is an invisible one, I don’t have any backup.
To be fair, I will admit, that I had times when my car was upright. Climbing up the rail. Making tremendous headway; making me feel safe and secure. Feeling as though I can do this and will be okay. And although I knew that an upgrade on a roller coaster is usually followed by a fast and furious downgrade, I was happy in the present moment, feeling grounded.
Looking back, reflecting over the last few months, I’ve learned that the journey of healing does not consist of one single ladder. It’s not one climb from pain to recovery. From victim mode to thriver mode.
It is rather made up of many ladders, varying in size and shape.
Some are long, while some are short.
Some are strong, while some are weak.
Some ladders have all the rungs, while some are missing one or even two, requiring us to take that very painful jump to the next rung.
The journey of healing is not linear. Therefore, falling off one ladder won’t take away from the many other ladders I’ve climbed. Falling hard, won’t take away all the climbing and healing I’ve done over the years.
I can climb.
I can fall.
I can also take a break and not climb for a bit. This is all part of the journey of healing.
Healing at times, can mean we need to let go of the ladder for some time.
Healing can mean to rejoice getting to the top of one ladder, although we know we have many more to climb.
Healing can mean falling down hard. Brutally hard, yet still believing and trusting in our tremendous strength and resilience.
This has been my journey over the last while.
Climbing and falling.
Hurting and crying from a fall.
Rejoicing and celebrating from a climb.
And perhaps my biggest victory that I strive for so much, is to one day be at the bottom of a ladder and be okay with that.
Being okay with myself that I’m allowed to fall and get hurt. Being proud of the bravery it takes to keep getting up after dropping so many times.
So next time I fall, or better, now that I’m at the bottom of a ladder as I’m writing this, I will try to look around at the many ladders I did successfully climb. At the many times I needed to take that leap of faith and jump to heights I’ve never believed I can.
So, if you’re at the top and rejoicing a victory, I’m proud of you for that and I’ll rejoice with you.
And if you’re at the bottom, hurting from a fall, I’m with you as well. Let’s look around and see all the many climbs we’ve done.
Let’s believe that a fall doesn’t throw us down to the bottom, to where we first started this journey, as this consists of many different climbs.
Lastly, let’s realize that a fall is only possible if we made a climb and being that a fall can’t take away from the gains of a climb, we still have all the healing we’ve gained from the very climb that we’ve fallen off.