Today I’ve reached the peak of a very tall mountain. It’s been an impossibly hard climb. There were many times that I wanted to give up and just go back to the bottom of the mountain. There were times that I’ve slipped and times that I had to hold onto my climbing rope for dear life, lest I slide hundreds of feet down to the abyss below. There were times that I even wanted to unhook my harness and just free fall to the bottom, in a desperate attempt to end this climb.
It was a painful and arduous climb, and I’m completely worn out and sore from it. However, the view from up here is so gorgeous that my aches and pains from the climb are not even registering now.
I’m sitting at the peak and just reflecting. It’s been long and hard but it was worth every part of it all. I’ve learned so many lessons along the way. Lessons that came hard but were nevertheless worth it.
The mountain I’ve climbed, was a very difficult treatment modality, healing part of the damages of my many years of sexual abuse. It was a mountain that I’ve never wanted to scale. It was too scary. Too painful. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear going back there. However, with the help of my therapist, I pushed myself and scaled to the top.
I got bruised and hurt on the climb. I’ve reached the top through lots of blood, sweat and tears. But here I am. The feelings are so enormous that I’m having a hard time taking them in. They are too heavy to process and I know it will take me time. I will need some time to recuperate as well.
Yet the scenery here is so beautiful. It’s so peaceful and serene. From up here I don’t need to be afraid of meeting my abuser. I’ve learned that it was all not my fault. I’ve learned that all the shame that I carried, was his shame which he threw upon me. I’ve learned that it wasn’t a two way mutual friendship, like he kept telling me it was. It was rather a one way controlling and manipulative relationship.
I’ve learned that all the guilt that I carry, is his guilt that he stored in me. If only he would’ve had one ounce of guilt, things would’ve turned out so different. I’ve learned that I was in a helpless situation and although I tried many times to stop it all, i wasn’t successful. He stripped me of my voice and power. I was a mere sheep in his hands.
This is my view from up here. From up here, things are so much more clear. I’m not viewing them through my childhood lens. I see them from an adult standpoint, high up above my teenage years. The only way to get up here was by climbing this dreadful mountain. By climbing and falling and then climbing again. By crying and bleeding. Oh how I wanted to give up, but I’m so glad I didn’t. I’m so glad I got to the top.
At this point in my journey of healing, I am well aware that I will still have many mountains to climb, however that doesn’t take away from the victory of today. I’ve scaled one of the biggest mountains and just like any mountain climber out there, when they reach the peak of a particularly hard climb, they don’t focus on any future climbs but rather feel proud with what they did.
This is my life. I’ve become a mountain climber. I’ve started with the small ones and grew stronger and more confident over the years. I’ve graduated the small climbs and have turned to the big and mighty ones.
Although I don’t like staying at the peak for too long, I know that I need to stay here. I need to breath in the air of accomplishment. I need to feel the victory. I need to look out at the magnificent scenery. This was my hardest climb and I deserve feeling the satisfaction of it all. I know there are more mountains to climb but I’ve removed my gear for just a bit. I want to stay here and take it all in. I want to be proud. I want all the lessons that I’ve learned along the way to fully register.
The climb has been horrendous but the view from up here is beyond magnificent!