Sitting at the water. The weather is perfect. The sky is a perfect blue with just enough clouds to add to the color and beauty. There are hundred of miles of water in front of me. The water is the most magnificent blue. The Waves are so smoothly crashing against the beach sand. The breeze in the air is at the perfect temperature adding to the awesomeness of this very moment.
Yet, the tears are forming in my eyes and slowly sliding down my face. Tears of pain and immense grief. Tears over the years of my stolen childhood and teenage years. I’m moving past the self blame and shame stage and entering a new world. A world of grief. The grief that I never allowed myself to have. The grief that I was never allowed to have. The grief never felt right because I had too much self blame and shame to grieve. The grief that my abuser never let me have because “it was all my fault”.
Yet as I move further and further away from his gaslighting and nasty control, I’m allowing myself to finally grieve. Hence my tears. Hence my pain. Hence the deep and heavy void that’s in me. The void is full many stolen years. Many stolen opportunities. Robbed friendships. Missed relationships. Although it’s filled with nothingness, it’s still so heavy. So debilitating, affecting me in so many areas of my life.
The bright sun is moving behind a cloud, turning the bright blue sky dark for a bit as I wipe away a tear streaming down my face. It’s as though the sun is mourning with me. It’s mourning the sunshine that was taken from me. It’s mourning the powerful and angry waves of my abuser crashing against me. The pure and innocent young child. The one that just wanted a childhood and nothing more than that.
Yet I was stripped of it all. My innocence. My purity. My pride in my body. Taken away without permission by a mean and selfish abuser who used me in every which way he can, to fulfill every sexual fantasy that he dreamed of. Every organ in my body was used for his pleasure. However, before he stole me, he stole my power and my voice so that I won’t be able to fight him. I was powerless and a complete victim of his when he started the fourteen years of hell.
The sun is coming out now and once again brightening up the sky and the water. Perhaps it’s showing me that my life will become sunny again. Perhaps it’s showing me it’s power and strength to show me that I too have that power to light up the world. One day at a time and when that feels too hard, I can take it one hour at a time.
Yes, the water is calling me. So much easier to self harm and end all my pain right here. So much easier to call it quits and stop the daily battles. However, by doing that, my abuser will win. He controlled me back then and I can’t allow him to control me now. So I will fight with all my might and although my internal sunshine was extinguished, I will rekindle it. I will do it again and again and again until it stays lit forever. That will be my greatest revenge on my abuser and the greatest healing for myself.