I’ve had some time to reflect over my progress that I’ve gained over the last few months. I’ve done intense therapy, doing things I never thought I’ll be able to do. Going to places I never wanted to go to. Digging deeply into those very painful and traumatic memories.
I’ve gone back there with the help of two therapists. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. I had my times when I felt high but more often than not, I’ve felt super low. Painfully low.
Going back there, was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. Going through the fourteen years of our so called friendship was brutal. Fourteen years of abuse and manipulation of all sorts. You were a master at it and used so many tactics to groom me and once I was fully groomed, I was yours.
You owned me in every shape and form. Physically, emotionally, socially, religiously and worst of all, sexually. You played with my brain so skillfully and tactfully and knew exactly how to keep me under your control. Your guilt became my guilt. Your shame became mine. All the disgust that you were supposed to have for doing the horrible actions to me, were placed on me. I took it all on myself.
For years, long after your abuse was over, I’ve carried this guilt, shame and disgust with me wherever I went. It took up so much room in my heart. I took it with me to sleep and dreamed about it. I took it with me to work and felt inferior to everyone around me. It was as though the whole world was on one side and I was on the other. I didn’t deserve anything because I was too dirty, defiled and horrible.
Going back into the story as an adult, was the most painful journey I’ve ever taken. However, it was so rewarding. I’ve seen things so differently. I’ve seen the truth in my story. I’ve seen what really happened.
It brought up lots of suppressed painful memories.
However, at the same time it also brought back many memories of my desperate attempts to stop your actions. I remember standing at the window on the third floor of that hotel room and looking down and thinking that my only way out of this pain and suffering would be to jump. I remember looking down and watching people walking in the street and being sick with jealousy that they are living a free life while I’m stuck in prison.
I remember all the times I said no to the things you asked for. I remember trying to make deals with you, trying to bribe you that I’ll give you my body as long as we don’t do the next thing you wanted. I remember walking the streets and not caring to get hurt or even killed by a passerby because that would finally end my living hell.
I remember cringing every time you passed by me out of fear that you would come up from behind me and give me one of your favorite hugs. The hug that wasn’t just a hug. It started as a hug but went so much further than that.
All these memories were painful but so validating for me. No I didn’t want this. No I am not at fault. No I don’t need to carry all the guilt and shame that you’ve placed on me.
Doing all this work taught me that I was a complete victim in your hands.
You’ve taught me that we had a mutual friendship but I’ve learned that it was a complete manipulative relationship.
You’ve taught me that I was a mere piece of meat for your sexual fantasies, yet I’ve learned that I own by body and no one can take it away again.
You’ve taught me that I deserve to feel all the shame of your actions, yet I’ve learned to let go of it all.
You’ve taught me that all men are dangerous and sexual predators, yet I’ve learned that the world is a safe place besides for the few sick people like you.
You’ve taught me that I’m selfish if I don’t give you my body, however I’ve learned that I own my body and it belongs to me and only me.
You’ve taught me that everyone does the things that we were doing, yet I’ve learned that it was only you and some other creeps like you who do this.
So I’d like to send you a package. A package full of years of shame, guilt, self blame, self hatred, self denigration and so many other negative beliefs and emotions. I never asked for it all. You’ve placed it upon me without permission and now it has come the time to return it all to its rightful owner. You deserve to feel it all. You should be walking around with it all. I should be a free man and you should be sick with guilt over your actions.
Going over the hundreds of times that you’ve used me and devoured my poor body, I can’t help but be shocked at what a low and selfish person you are. The things you’ve done to me were so manipulative and disgusting. I wouldn’t do it to someone else even with a gun pointing at my head. To invade someone’s privacy at the level that you did, is something I can’t fathom even remotely possible. It’s a sign of such a lack of a caring heart. So insensitive. So selfish. So sick. So narcissistic. So horrible and shameful. So degrading.
I don’t need to bring you to court. I don’t need to get an apology from you because it won’t be sincere. An animal can’t be sincere. I don’t believe you have a human heart or brain. It’s not humanly possible to do what you’ve done and therefore I won’t accept an apology from you.
It’s been a long and painful journey but I see some road signs telling me that my destination is coming up. This destination which was once many light years away is now getting closer every day. I have my days or even weeks that I hit traffic and am stuck there for a while but I have no plans on getting off the highway. I’m going to stick it out and will reach my destination and at every rest stop along the way, I dispose of more and more negative emotions that was so wrongfully placed on me.