I was in a terrible car accident yesterday. I was not at fault and didn’t see the car coming. It happened so quickly. My car spun around and was completely totaled. It was smoking and burst into flames. I somehow managed to break open a window and crawl out, bruised and bleeding. I was laying on the cold pavement waiting for help to arrive.
However, no one arrived to help me. There were no light and sirens. Not an ambulance, a police car or even a passerby to help me and bring me to safety. I was badly bruised and needed help but there was no one around. I tried getting up but every time I got up, I just fell down with searing pain. I decided to try one last time to stand up and walk home. I gathered all my strength and slowly and painstakingly walked home. Inch by inch, foot by foot.
I got home and tried calling for help but my phones were not working. I had no choice but to just fall asleep. I woke up in so much pain. Every bone in my body was hurting. Every move rattled my bones. Every step hurt me more and more. I then realized that I had a project at work that needed to be taken care of. It was overdue and I needed to hand it in by the end of the day. I forced myself to work and somehow, by some miracle, did the work assignment and made it through the day.
My friends, the accident I’m referring was not a physical one. It was an emotional trigger and flashback that I’ve been through last night. I was completely totaled from it. I didn’t see it coming. It wrecked my entire heart and soul. It bright back the most haunting memories of my abuse laden childhood. I was completely flash-backed to my days of old. Those dark and bitter days. The days when the sun didn’t shine and there was only darkness.
I couldn’t call for help because there was no one to call. I couldn’t call an ambulance because physically I looked perfect. I couldn’t get the help from a passerby because the pain that I’ve been through is too deep for a passerby to grasp.
I needed to go to work today because I need to support my family. I dragged my bruised body to work. I forced my damaged soul to focus on my task but my mind wasn’t there. That deep wound was so painful that it was impossible to focus on my task at hand.
I kept looking at the clock. I just needed to get back home and go into bed and cry and cry and cry. I needed to cry out my pain. I needed to mourn. I needed to unload my overloaded heart through heart wrenching sobs and bitter tears. I felt so trapped at work.
After what felt like eternity, the day came to an end. I got into my car and burst into tears. I was waiting to cry and cry I did. I cried like I’ve never cried before and believe me, I’ve cried many times in my life. I cried the whole way home. I showered and cried in the shower. I went into my bed and cried in bed.
I’m now wiped out from my day and from all the crying. I’m alone. I’m sad and depressed. There are no ambulances coming to help me. I have no support. I have no help because I come across like a successful person. No one knows of my deep deep inner void. My deep inner wound which carved a hole in my heart and nothing can or will fill up that hole.
I walk around with this hole everyday. I struggle to get through the day. I struggle to sleep through the night. I’m afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid of my nightmares and I’m afraid to wake up because I’m afraid of my triggers.
This is the silent war of abuse victims. These are the quiet battles that we fight every single day without any end in sight. This is what sexual abuse does to our inner core and psyche. If abuse would leave physical wounds, I would look like a deformed and burned man. I would be in a body cast, with burn marks covering my entire body.
However, this is one of the hardest part of abuse. We get burned internally, but externally we remain intact. We remain whole and mostly functional and are therefore just treated like every one else. If we do muster up the courage to talk, we are told to simply get past it. That and many other comments sting like a freshly sharpened knife. They cut into my heart like a brand new dagger.
I hope that upon reading this, you’ll realize just a bit of what we go through. I hope you can get just a small glimpse into our daily lives of hell. Next time someone comes over to you and discloses something about abuse, please give him a hug and cry along with him. Please believe him and give him all the love and support that you can gather together. If this helps even one victim out there, I’ll be so happy. It will be the greatest healing I can get.