It’s just a few hours before sundown, which will bring in the celebration of my birthday. My children are finishing up on their posters and I can see the excitement on their pure faces. It’s “Daddy’s Birthday” and that means so much to them. Watching them smile with glee is breaking my heart. They are so full of happiness, yet I feel a deep sense of gloom. A sense of dread which I’m desperately trying to hide.
My brain is racing a million miles an hour with many opposing thoughts and feelings. Each one is trying to outdo the other one. To scream louder and stronger. To win this battle. A battle that is just another battle in my life, laden with so many internal battles. All hidden and invisible to the public eye.
There is a part of me that is angry and bitter. Why a birthday party? What am I celebrating? Another year of inner chaos? Another year of hundreds of triggers and flashbacks? Another year of pain. Pain that was so deep and heavy. Another year of non stop nightmares causing me to awake with yet another migraine. If I shed countless buckets of tears throughout year, why the celebration? Why the happiness? And to be really honest, I can’t help but wonder, am I even excited that I lived another year? Did I even want this? What is life worth with so much pain?
Out of another side of my brain, comes a thought. A vicious and abusive voice. A voice that was implanted in me by my many abusers. A voice that has no feeling and sensitivity. It’s screaming and yelling that I don’t deserve a party or a gift. Who am I that I deserve something? I’m too defiled and dirty to deserve this all. I’m not worthy of someone being happy for me. Again, to take it a step further, this voice is telling me that I didn’t deserve to live this year. How can I get a gift for living a year that I didn’t deserve?
Hence, my dread. Hence, my deep inner pain. My feelings of gloom and doom.
However, In yet a third corner of the battlefield, there is a healthy and confident voice. It’s desperately trying to speak over the other voices. His voice is actually getting louder and stronger. Walking through the battlefield, right up to the front lines. It’s walking with a sense of pride and confidence. A sense of safety, despite being a possible target of enemy fire. It knows it can do this and it therefore holds no fear.
It’s calling out in the most caring and kind voice. It’s talking to the other angry and bitter parts of me with a voice so peaceful and charming. Yes, I’ve been through so many challenges this year and yes, I’ve shed a tremendous amount of tears, however, at the same time, this birthday marks a year of so many triumphs. Countless amounts of battles that I’ve won. It contains the many bad days that I’ve pushed through. The countless triggers that I was able to breath through.
I’ve won over so many urges to self harm. I’ve won over the many urges of giving up and just surrendering to my life. I’ve won over the desire of simply crying and declaring myself a victim. A victim who won’t and can’t change. I had all the right to call it quits, yet I didn’t.
Yes I’ve shed many tears of pain but I’ve also shed many tears of happiness. Yes I’ve had many flashbacks, but I was able to turn many of them around. I’ve gone to work despite every reason to stay in bed. I’ve done things that were so hard to do, almost impossible to do, but I’ve done them anyway.
I’ve worked. I’ve tried. I’ve cried. I’ve sweated through heavy EMDR sessions. I’ve cried through unbearable PE sessions. I’ve invested so many hours into my healing and although I still have so much pain, I see an undeniable sense of healing. There’s not a day in my life, over the last six months, that I have not seen some sense of healing.
With tears pouring down my face, this pure part of me, is calling out to the rest of me, and pleading with them all to please see the full me. Yes there were non stop battles, battles that if they were in the real world, would be comparable to a nuclear war. However, at the same time, I’ve won over so many of them. This is a true celebration. At the close of this year, I do deserve to celebrate these victories. I do deserve to have people happy for me.
So as my pure and angelic children, are hustling and hanging up all the posters and decorating the room, I’m feeling stronger and ready to be happy along with them. I’m feeling a strong reason to celebrate. A feeling that is so full of emotion. This feeling didn’t come easy as I had to work through all my many opposing thoughts and parts in me. Yet I was able to do this and for this and the many other victories, I’m celebrating.