I’m sitting at the eve of a 36 hour wave of darkness, the likes of which I haven’t experienced in a long time. To say the pain was immense, would be an understatement. I was immobile. I couldn’t function. My brain was racing like never before and as hard as I tried to slow it down, it refused to stop. I was in physical and emotional agony. I was stuck in bed, with a heart heavy as lead, engulfed in the darkest of clouds. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t find the exit. It was as though someone locked me inside and threw away the keys.
I had no choice but to surrender to God and pray to Him to bail me out. I gave it over to my higher power because I felt too weak to continue fighting. I just couldn’t do it alone and needed someone stronger than these emotions to take them away from me.
I awoke this morning to the sun shining through my bedroom window. It’s rays however, didn’t stop at the window. It continued and pierced its way into my soul. It was God answering my cries and was sending me hope and strength. It was a burst of light that lit up the darkness which engulfed me and I was able to find the exit.
Although I’m still feeling it, I’m doing so much better than yesterday. I’m completely physically drained from this all but I feel hope and strength slowly inching it’s way into my wounded heart and soul.
Now that my world is lighting up, I’m able to see things a bit more clearly. I have learned a few important lessons from the past two days and I’d like to take you along on my journey for just a bit and share some of my thoughts that are in my head right now.
First and foremost, although I’ve been through this many times before, each and every time, I feel like I will never get past it. My world will remain dark indefinitely. Those four words that I’m constantly being told, the words “this too shall pass” hurt me so much. How can they tell me it will pass. Don’t they know that this time the darkness is so thick that it will never leave me? Don’t they know the pain I’m in? Don’t they realize how paralyzed I am.
Yet, God himself, lit up my dark world this morning, showing me that yes, even this time, “this too shall pass”. God was showing me that no matter how dark the situation is, it does and will get brighter and better. Things will change for the better. Last night I gave it over to God and this morning, He answered my cries, with the light of the sun shining through my window and into my soul. So yes, I say to myself and I say to all of you, “this too shall pass”.
Secondly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to have a trigger or flashback which can be so strong that it will bring on a wave of depression. Just like the rain that is now hitting my window, can’t take away from the sun’s rays this morning, so too, a dark time, a slip or fall, can’t take away from the enormous victories I’ve made in the past.
Looking around the world lately, I’ve been noticing that there is very little black and white in nature. Almost everything in our world has a color. Our world is meant to be colorful and not black and white. In fact, black and white are not true colors. Black is the absence of light and white is an over abundance of light.
Our universe is full of color. Perhaps, God was showing us that we shouldn’t judge ourselves in the black and white form of judgment. In the all or nothing judgement. Perhaps the very nature of this world is meant to have so many different levels and colors of greatness and of healing. Healing is not linear. Healing can look messy and act messy, but even in the mess, there can still be enormous triumphs and victories.
And now, for that very painful question, the question of why.
Why do I need to suffer so much?
Why can’t my life be easier and smoother? Why was I given a childhood that I need to recover from? Isn’t a childhood meant to simply prepare you for adulthood?
Why was I chosen to go through so much abuse and trauma growing up, forcing me to spend years and years to heal from?
After struggling with these questions for a while, I think I’ve found the answer. The answer to that question is, that there is no answer.
No, I will never get an answer to that question.
No, I will never see why I had to suffer so much.
However, I’m okay with having the question unanswered. I’m okay with trusting God that He knows what He’s doing and although at times, the darkness feels too heavy to carry, I know and believe that God is right on the other side of it. I don’t know what His plans are, but I do know that He’s so much greater than myself and I therefore trust in Him that He is doing what’s best for me.
So when looking at other people’s journey, and it all seems so unfair, the answer that I learned is that there Someone behind this all, orchestrating everything.
Lastly and so importantly is to believe that when the journey gets really tough, we are entitled to stop at a rest stop and just cry it out. We are allowed to wait it out until the darkness fades. Until the storm passes.
If you were denied a sense of self and belonging growing up, it’s so hard to feel deserving of this self care. Yet I plead with you as well as myself to do it anyway. Although it feels unnatural and perhaps even selfish, do it anyway. Take the time you need to refill your emotional energy.
And finally, I plead with you as well as myself, to believe that we are loved unconditionally by God. We are loved, regardless of our past traumas and abuse. We are loved by God simply because we are one of His children. Remember, the same God who created the entire universe, with billions of people, animals and vegetation, as well as all the planets and galaxies, knew that the world will not be whole without one of you. He therefore created you, to make the world a finished product. The world needs you. So please hold on tight and keep on traveling. You haven’t come this far, to only get this far!!