If I could, I would!

Here’s something I wrote to no one in particular. It was simply coming from that deep place of desperation to be heard and understood.

If I could, I promise I would.
If I didn’t, I promise I couldn’t.

If I could simply shut my brain off, I promise I would.
If I could be the father everyone else is, I promise I would.
If I can be the husband everyone else has, I promise I would be.
If I could help more in the house, I promise I would.
If I could go out with my family more, I promise I would.
If I could be more present and less disassociated, I promise I would be.
If I could spend less time in bed, I promise I would.

However, I wasn’t given the life most people had.
I wasn’t given the childhood most of the world had.
My peace of mind was stolen from me.
My trust, my happiness, my self esteem and so much more, were robbed time and time again.
My rights to be happy and enjoy life are all so foreign to me.
The constant in noise in my brain is loud as hell.
The inner voices seem like they won’t rest until they win.
The constant nightmares, triggers and flashbacks give me no peace.

An innocent smell, a sound, or a sight, can set off a massive trigger in me. A trip to the store, the park, or synagogue can be so challenging at times. If you don’t see me there, it’s not because I don’t want to be there. It’s simply because I can’t.

“Let go”, they say.
If I could I would.
“Try to move on”.
If I could I would.
“Try to see past it”.
If I could I would.

Would I really be spending all this money, time and effort if it were that simple to simply move on? Would I really be sick from the side effects of medications, if it were that easy?

So next time I tell you that I can’t, please believe me that if I could I would and this time I really can’t.
If I’m in bed, please believe me that I can’t.
I’m trying my best. I promise I am and it would mean the world to me, if you would believe that.

If my wounds would be visible, it would be so much easier. If my inner wounds would present itself as outer ones, I would be bruised perhaps beyond recognition. The support and help I would be getting would be enormous. I won’t have to be writing this as you would all believe me that if I could I would.

However, being that everything is internal, I beg of you to please believe me that if I could I would.

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