I’m sitting here completely wiped and drained both physically and emotionally. I’ve been through yet another awesomely challenging day. A day loaded with triggers from my many years of abuse. A day full of sadness and grief over my lost childhood. A day filled with so much pain and grief over my life.
In addition to all this, I had yet another close to life and death crisis in an ongoing situation that has been plaguing me for almost a year.
So here I am withered to the bone. My brain is fried from all the emotional turmoil from the day. My muscles are hurting from all the tension and tightness from the stress of the day. My head is spinning and I’m having a hard time focusing.
I’m looking out the window and up towards the dark nighttime sky, which matches my dark situation and can’t help but ask “where are You Hashem”? Why did you leave me? Have You thrown me off the roof and just left me? Why are You hiding from me? These thoughts are so scary but they feel so real.
After much thought, I think I know the answer to all these painful questions. I think the answer to where’s Hashem, is that He is right here with me. He is in my room with me. He is right behind me guiding me through my difficult and emotionally painful life.
Please allow me to explain with an analogy.
The American army has close to two million personal in their system. There are many different levels and types of soldiers and each one has their own unique and special part to fulfill, to make the army whole and successful.
There are the standard infantry men that need to fight the battles around the world despite the real fear of being killed in an ambush. There are the air force men who fly bombing missions, although they may be shot down and killed. There are the navy soldiers, which have their own set of challenges. There are the field medics who need to tend to the wounded soldiers out on the very dangerous battlefield. There are the generals who guide the men and need to use all their experience and expertise and take risks that may cost them their job, and worse, lifelong guilt for making wrong decisions.
There is one more small team made up of only 300 men called seal team six. They are a special force that is above and beyond all the other soldiers. They have special training. They need to pass extremely challenging and almost brutal tests in order to be accepted into this force. This division of the army is the highest and strongest unit in the world and carries out the most dangerous and risky operations possible. Although they know very well the risk involved, they carry themselves with tremendous pride and very well deserved ego.
Each soldier, no matter what division, wears his or hers uniform with the utmost pride. When they are in full uniform holding their weapons, they know that they are on a mission and try their very best to fulfill that mission with tremendous pride and dignity.
If suppose the inevitable happens, and there is a fatality in battle, despite the fact that it’s extremely painful and sad, no one is upset at the general. The reason is simple. This is all part of their mission. They all new that part of being a soldier is getting hurt in battle. Despite this fear, they were still willing and happy to serve their nation and perhaps even make the ultimate sacrifice for their very special cause.
We are all brought down into this world with a special and unique mission to fulfill. Each and every one of us has a unique mission that is tailor made for us. We were all given the tools and weapons needed to accomplish our goals. Each one of us is obligated to make our general-Hashem- proud and fulfill our duty.
We all get hurt in the ambushes of life but that is all part of our mission that we needed to carry out. There are some of us that have a mission that carries a smaller risk factor and although they do get hit from time to time from a flying missile or perhaps even worse, they need to continue along their way in order to reach their goal.
Then there are some of us that are given the mission of a seal team six member. We were given enormous challenges and at the same time we are gifted with tremendous resilience and strength to make it through.
Years of childhood and teenage abuse of many sorts was my roadmap. There are others that are given heartbreaking and almost impossible lives to go through.
There comes a point when we can wonder, Where in the world is Hashem? Does He care about me? Does He realize what I’m going through.
It is at this time, that we need to sit back and realize that this was our mission from day one. We need to believe that it’s not as though we had one mission in life and then came a calamity which sent us on a different mission. It’s the exact opposite. This was all included in our original mission. Hashem chose us because we are seal team six and we are meant to fight enormous battles.
We were given a life full of dangerous battles that we need to face and fight with all our might. We don’t know why and we will never know why, however, one thing we must know and believe and that is that Hashem is right there behind us. He’s actually fighting side by side with us.
These ambushes and heartbreaking challenges were all part of His master plan for our very own unique mission. We can not look at others, as every single person is on a completely different mission.
Every person in the army has their own unique set of obligations. What is required of a field medic is not the same as an infantry man. An Air Force fighter has his own rules and a seal team member has a completely different set of rules.
In this war called life, we all have our own obligations. If we have days that the only thing we were able to do is to get up and take care of our basic needs and can’t do anything more due to the overwhelming effects of trauma, that’s exactly what Hashem, our general wants from us at this time.
We therefore can’t look right and can’t look left. We can only look upwards to Hashem, our most kind, caring and loving General and ask Him to help us fight our preplanned life. Each soldier is equipped with a radio to call for help from his superiors. We need to call for help from our superior and ask Him to help us fight our daily battles which at times seems so hopeless and helpless.
We need to remember that all these daunting challenges and “vicious enemies” that want to kill us are all predestined in Hashem’s master plan for us. It’s nothing new that’s diverting us from our life’s goals. THIS IS AND WAS OUR OWN VERY UNIQUE MISSION FROM THE DAY WE WERE BORN!!
One thought on “My own personal answer to the painful question of “Where’s Hashem?””
I too am a victim of 8 long yrs of abuse. The doors of help where shut to my face when it all began at the age of 5. I too asked, “HaShem, how can you be there & not stop it?” It took long to understand the whys & the hows, but I did find a way to not just “live with it” but heal from it. The memories have healed, though the repercussions to my nefesh have been long & deep healing, yet that too has begun. I found where to go, whom to go for healing. You may pm me since you are able to see it. There is hope. Shalom