I woke up this morning, my head spinning,
I couldn’t believe the day was only beginning.
Last nights nightmares were so vivid and real,
Yet another flashback throwing me back to my days of hell.
I pushed myself out of bed straight to my coffee machine,
Hoping to calm my spinning head with a dose of caffeine.
On my way there, I was hit by another trigger,
Ughhh, I can’t handle my pain getting any stronger or bigger.
I barely started my day and was already ready to end it,
Oh how I wish I can just dig a hole and stay in that pit.
However, I gotta move on and start my day,
and so I don my mask pretending that all is okay.
I put on a fake smile to my family while crying internally,
I put all my emotions in a box and lock the door ever so securely.
I hug my kids and kiss them goodbye,
While trying desperately to keep my eyes dry.
I then head off to work, tearing up in my car,
But I need to stop quickly as the trip there isn’t that far.
I wipe my face and head inside the building,
Tightening my mask although my heart is aching.
I finally get through the day and make it back to my house,
However, I still need to wear my mask for my kids and my spouse.
I’m now back in bed and can finally open my box,
The pain comes tumbling out before I even open all the locks.
The tears start rolling and stream down my face,
Over my lost childhood and all my abuse and disgrace.
I’m shattered and broken and feel so internally dead,
I look at myself with a feeling of dread.
Will I ever heal, will I ever move on?
Will I ever feel as though this is all gone?
Through my tears I drift off into a slumber,
While hoping not to dream yet again about my abuser.
This my friends, is the life of an abuse victim,
The pain that we face daily and hourly can be so hard for you to fathom.
Yes, I know you’re asking why I don’t go for therapy
The answer is that I’m doing it already and facing all my traumas so very bravely.
The strength that it takes to face your abusive past,
Is so enormous and so very vast.
But at least I can say that I’m climbing and healing and trying my best,
To overcome this horrible disease called childhood incest.
I made a promise to never stop climbing,
I won’t rest until I get to a place of healing.
Although at times I’m filled with sadness and grief,
I fully believe that one day I’ll look back in shock and disbelief.
I was given enormous challenges which I will never know why,
But I’ve pulled through and climbed so very very high.
When I get to that place I’ll call out and yell,
I’ll be living proof that healing is truly possible.
It won’t come tomorrow or the day after that,
But I will get there; I know that for a fact!