It’s been a day.
Or rather a week.
A very difficult one.
One with tremendous amounts of pain and inner turmoil.
The noise, the darkness, the despair were all so intense.
I was drowning in the seas of hopelessness, helplessness and most of all, debilitating loneliness.
That deep and bitter feeling of being so alone and different.
As though the world is going in one direction, while I seem to be going another.
I didn’t want to go to therapy last night. I didn’t feel up to it. I wasn’t in the mood of opening up and feeling it all. I knew that if I go, I won’t be able to block. I knew I won’t be able to hold it together and will ending up sobbing; something so very vulnerable and scary.
Despite so much inner resistance, I pushed myself into his office. I collapsed on that couch I got to know so well. Part of me wanted to say I’m fine while the rest of me was begging to be seen, heard and validated.
I tried talking, but the words didn’t come out as I wanted them to.
I tried again but I couldn’t seem to talk.
I then decided to read an article I wrote last week. In it, I described how my life right now is akin to a young toddler being forced to run a marathon. Being forced to run and run and run with no inner strength at all.
When I finished, I looked up, and my therapist, who knows me well and knows my struggles, turned to me and said, “yes, you are running a marathon and yes it must be so brutal and difficult.”
That’s all it took and my floodgates opened up. That ounce of validation opened my doors. That fleeting moment of being seen by someone who truly cares hit me deep within and I began to sob and sob.
I so badly yearned to be seen and heard.
I so craved those feelings of being less alone.
Of someone else seeing the pain and battles I constantly fight through.
After the session, I went to my car and cried and cried once again. I was seen and that feeling was so intense.
Dearest readers, I don’t know who you are.
I’ve never met you and I don’t think I ever will.
However, I’m here to say, you’re not alone.
I feel your pain and see your darkness.
I see your struggles. I see the endless amounts of challenges that you face each and every day.
I see you and feel for you more than you’ll ever know.
Although you don’t know me, please allow me to hold space for your pain.
Please allow me to help you feel less alone.
I get it! I really really do!
Please let me help you feel less hopeless!
I know what it feels like to be grappling in the dark, trying to find a way out.
I know the feelings of living in a seemingly endless tunnel with zero light at all.
I know the feelings of constantly running of empty.
Please know that you’re not alone.
Although I can’t light up your tunnel, perhaps I can bring in a small flame, that can brighten it up, even just a bit.
I can’t carry you to the end but allow me to walk beside you on your journey.
I so wish I can take away your pain, everyone’s pain, my own pain, but at the very least, I want you all to know that I get you.
I really really do!
I see you!
I feel for you!