Over the past many years I have been feeling as though you’ve extinguished my inner flame. I have written many articles describing the darkness in my soul. I have spoken about that deep inner void that is bereft of any form of life, due to that internal fire in me that you smothered and put out.
Thinking about it again, I have realized that a more accurate description of what you have done to me would be, that you’ve ignited a fire in me. You’ve turned that little spark that flickers in every persons soul and turned it into a raging fire.
It is this fire that destroys me. It is this fire that burns me alive with every trigger and flashback. Every nightmare is like an inner explosion, causing me to wake up drained. When I see something that reminds me of you, it’s as though I’m pouring a bottle of lighter fluid into that fire which then devours me with fierce energy and vengeance. This is the fire that you ignited in me and it is this fire that continues to burn me.
What you didn’t realize however, is that fire has two completely opposing powers. It can destroy and wreak havoc and chaos. It can burn down buildings and cause wildfires destroying everything in its path. It can kill and maim people for life. Its heat can melt anything and everything.
At the same time, this very fire can create and build. A flame is used to shape and form the most magnificent jewelry. A fire has the power to weld the materials needed to build the tallest of skyscrapers. A fire has the power to light up darkness. To power engines in cars and planes. It is the driving force in all of electric used today.
So Mr Abuser, you’ve lit a fire in me. You wanted that fire to destroy me. You have used it’s negative powers to knock me down in order for you to use me. You needed to weaken me so that I can become your slave. I have to say, that you were successful at that. The fire you used, did indeed weaken me. It burned away my rights and sense of free will and it continues to burn in me, causing an unimaginable amount of pain on a daily basis.
However, I’m here to tell you, that I am using that very fire to build. I’m building myself and building a family. I’m building myself taller. A whole lot taller than you. I’m building new pathways; pathways which are light years away from the paths you have forced me to travel on. Pathways which take all my energy to travel on and the only way I can do it, is because of the fire that you’ve ignited in me.
Being forced to live my life despite having your negative fire in me, forced me to use that very same fire as a catalyst to grow. It forced me to take that exact fire and flip it around, causing positive energy that will help me heal my wounds. It is only because of this fire that I’m able to get up every day. That I’m able to go out to work and live a normal life. Living my life despite all the pain you’ve instilled in me, necessitates something at least as strong as your fire. The only thing as strong as fire, is fire itself. Even water is weaker than fire, as fire can dry out the water.
So while I’m not yet able to forgive you for what you’ve done, I do acknowledge that it is only because of you that I have a raging positive fire in me. It is only because of you that I am able to accomplish what I do.
I don’t need to take revenge on you as I feel that it won’t help my healing. Additionally I don’t want you to hold the power of my healing. Yet perhaps, this is my greatest revenge on you. That very same power that you have used on me to knock me down and steal my soul, I am using to buy back what you’ve stolen. You have dug valleys and I’m building mountains. You broke every bone in me and with that very same fire I’m rebuilding myself slowly, steadily and stronger than ever before.
I won’t lie that on many days, your fire overpowers mine, but on the days that I’m able to use my fire to overpower yours, the satisfaction is so immense. It is so healing. So meaningful and special. So although, I can’t say the words “thank you”, as you’ve caused me more damage than you will ever know, I do at least want you to know that my fire is slowly overpowering yours! One day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time!