Please never give up!

Sitting on the grass in my backyard while leaning back on a tree, I’m reflecting over the storm that has just hit, forcing me to pause on my journey of healing. It was perhaps the biggest storm to date. It brought in the worst darkness and the strongest winds. Winds that were so powerful that it almost took my life. Rain that was so intense that I almost drowned in its floods.

It’s been a storm which lasted about eight days and threw me into such darkness, the likes of which I’ve never experienced before. This massive flashback brought upon me a sudden and frightening amount of emotions and feelings. It caused me to go to very dangerous places in my brain. Places where no human being deserves to go. Places where the only way out is hospitalization. And indeed I was almost hospitalized four times over the last few days. I wasn’t allowed to drive. All the pills in my house were taken away and put in a safe place.

The sense of despair that I’ve felt was so tremendous. It hurt me to my very core. It was a stab right into my soul. After all the work I’ve done, all the tears I’ve shed, all the hours and hours of brutal and painful hard work, this is where I ended up? Being killed in a storm? Drowning in the floods of pain? Being hit by a mighty lightening bolt?

This was perhaps my lowest week in my life and I just couldn’t shake that sense of complete loss of hope in my future. If this is the end result of all my work, why even bother? Why spend all that money and energy into healing? What’s it all for?

And then suddenly, the rain slowed down. The winds calmed down and the thunder and lightning subsided. The darkness slowly turned into light and the sun began shining its rays through the dispersing clouds. Slowly but surely, all the clouds disappeared and all that was left was the gorgeous deep blue sky.

It was at the moment that I realized that it was only a storm. And although it was my biggest storm to date, it still was just that; a storm. I am tired. I am drained. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally from this massive flashback. I lean back on a rock in my yard and look up towards the sky and see one of the most breathtaking rainbows I’ve seen in my life. The colors were so crisp and clear. It was that perfect arch which spread from one side of the earth to the other.

A few thousand years ago, God created the rainbow as a sign that he will never destroy the world. Perhaps, God brought out the rainbow now, to show me that the storms in life will never destroy me. Although during the storm, I thought I’ve lost it all, as I was prepared to call it quits, this rainbow is signifying to me that it was only a storm and that a storm won’t break me.

I’d like to add, that what kept me alive through this storm was all my work that I’ve done over the last many years. The healthy and healed parts of me was able to hold me and anchor me in place, protecting me from the damaging storm. Had I not done all the work over the years, this storm would’ve definitely been a fatal one for me.

Looking back at the rainbow, with all its colors, I’m reminded that healing is not linear. The rainbow is an arch. Healing doesn’t go in a straight line. It’s not a straight path that you follow to get to your destination. There are ups and there are downs.

Looking up one more time and seeing all the colors, I notice something interesting. There are many colors in the rainbow, expect for the colors black and white. Perhaps this is indicative of our life’s paths that we travel along. There is no black and white. There is no all or nothing. The world and our journey are so full of color and although I’ve had one of the hardest weeks in my life, it doesn’t mean that I’m back to square one. A black and white journey would mean that I’m either healed or not. However, being that the path is filled with color, I know that I can be strong and complete in one area and still need work in another. The fact that part of me needs work, can’t take away from the healthy parts of me. What makes the rainbow so beautiful is that I full of color and precisely that, is what makes our life and journeys so beautiful, all it’s color, without any black and white.

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