Keep fighting

I’m standing at the end of the most brutal week of my life. Looking back, I still can’t believe I made it through. What started off as an innocent trigger, set off an explosion of many memories that were hidden deep inside my soul. They all emerged with a ferocious energy, knocking me down harder and quicker than I’ve ever experienced in my life.

Those of you that know me, know that I like to write metaphorically. I bring in an outside analogy, resembling, either something I’ve experienced or something to help understand my point at hand.

The pain I have felt this week, was so intense, I can’t find something synonymous with it. I have been through abuse of all sorts. I have seen severe illness up close. I have mourned the loss of my closest family member. I have been through some very rough times, however, the pain I’ve felt this past week, surpassed all the above.

Yet here I am, writing to you all while standing at the end of this hell of a week. The voices in my head, to call it quits, were so strong, I thought my head would break open. My brain became a battlefield for the most horrific battle I’ve seen. All the many opposing thoughts and voices, were mercilessly fighting against each other.

I was hesitant to share this post. It’s a vulnerable share, but if it can perhaps save one life or even make one person feel less alone, it’s worth sharing. So I’d therefore like to tell you what helped me get through this week.

Firstly and most importantly, if you feel truly unsafe, please make that phone call. It’s a hard phone call to make, but know that you are worth it. You are worth living and although that phone call may land you in a hospital, it’s worth it.

Once you’ve determined that you’re safe, please reach out for support. Get as much support as possible. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for support, just like it’s not a sign of weakness for a drowning person to yell for help. You are entitled to ask for the support and you’re entitled to get it.

Another skill which worked for me, was the knowledge, that your brain is lying to you. No, you don’t have to focus on it all day. Although you feel like you can’t let go of it, or you don’t want to let it go, it’s a lie. You can let go, even for just a bit, to watch a video, a movie or anything that can give you a distraction. Listen to music on headphones blasting in your ear, go for a run, take a drive, take five showers a day. Do something, anything that can lower the intensity of your emotions. Give yourself some respite from the noise in your head, even if it’s just for a short time. That short time may shift your mood and end up changing your day, and even if it doesn’t, remember that you deserve a breather.

There are no rules at times like this and whatever works for you, is what you need to do. Just like no two people are alike, there may be something that works for you and won’t work for me and that’s okay. As long as it’s safe, physically, emotionally and spiritually, go for it, even if it’s a bit wild.

Please remember that as dark as it seems, you will see some light and get through it.

Please remember that you’re not back to square one. Although it may feel like you are, it’s your brain lying to to you. As soon as the temperature of your emotions drop, you will get back to where you were.

Please remember that nothing is black and white and although the trigger may throw you to one extreme, always remember that the world is full of color.

Please remember that it’s possible to have two opposing feelings and they can both be true.

Please remember that just like you won’t judge someone else at a time like this, you can not judge yourself.

Please remember to only take one day at a time. If a day is too long, take an hour at a time, and if that’s too long, just take a minute.

Please remember that it’s okay to cry. If you need to stay in bed and sob for five hours straight, that okay.

Please remember that if you don’t have the strength to run, you can walk. If you can’t walk, you can crawl, and if you don’t have the strength to crawl, you can stay in one place as long as you don’t park there.

Please remember that the human spirit is able to endure extreme pain. Although you may need to grip that rope until your knuckles begin to bleed, know that you will get to the other side.

I don’t know why we were chosen to go through these intense battles, but know that God is at the other side waiting for you and will repay you tenfold for all your efforts. You may not feel or see Him during times like these but I promise, He’s there, crying along with you, and He will rejoice along with you when you win the battle.

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