I’m sitting outside on my recliner, trying to fill my body with the fresh and crisp midnight air. It’s been a brutal week for me, with countless challenges, nightmares and triggers. I’m tired physically and emotionally and I’m desperately trying to rejuvenate myself with the peaceful quiet. All is silent, aside from the crickets between the grass.
Looking up at the dark sky, searching for some light, some meaning, some answers, something, anything. What’s this all about? Why so much pain? Why all the flashbacks and nightmares? Why all the emptiness, deep inside my soul? While yes, I have coronavirus for over six weeks. Yes, I am very weak as well as having been on oxygen for a while, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about the deep inner pain, the result of years of trauma and abuse.
Looking up, I see nothing but a dark sky. Some stars and a moon but other than that, I see nothing. No comfort. No answers. No sign from God. Nothing to console my aching soul. If the sky would be a mirror image of myself, it would be a perfect copy. My heart and soul is so dark just like the darkness in the sky. Tears are beginning to well up in my eyes, while looking at the sky, seeing my own self, seeing my own darkness.
However, through my tears, I see stars. Stars which appear very small, however in reality the average star is bigger than our entire planet. The stars are so bright that although the closest star is 5.8 trillion miles away, it’s light is still visible.
Perhaps, this is my answer. Yes my soul is so dark but if I’m a mirror image of the sky, I must have stars in me as well. If the stars are the same as the stars high up above, then it must be that my stars give off a tremendous amount of light as well.
Living a life while struggling with complex PTSD, is not an easy ride. Many chores that come so easy for others, are a daunting task for us. Getting up in the morning. Going to work or school. Doing our work. Keeping a connection to God. Bringing up a healthy and functional family and so much more, are all extremely difficult for us. Yet, we do it and although some days it’s almost impossible, we do it anyway. These victories are stars in our soul. To the outside world, our victories are meaningless, just like the stars in the sky seem so meaningless and small. Yet, in reality, they are tremendous, both in size and in brightness.
To the world, they are insignificant, but to God, our Father, they are as big as planet earth. So did God bring me outside to look up at the stars to see what I have inside my soul? Is this the meaning that I was looking for, just a few short minutes ago? Is this the something, that I was searching for? Perhaps it is. Perhaps God is showing me that although He has put me through so many challenges, my internal soul is filled with the brightest of lights.
So looking up again, with my eyes now dry, I see a reflection of my life. Yes I see darkness but I also see victories. Many victories. And although I know that not too many people see them, I know that my beloved Father up in heaven sees and counts all the stars within me. I know that He’s proud of me because He brought me out here tonight, something that I usually don’t do, to show me what my soul looks like.
Obviously, part of living this life is that there are many times that we don’t win. There are times when the going gets so hard that we just don’t have the strength to accomplish. That’s what the clouds are for. To cover the stars. We don’t always have to be victorious. We don’t have to win every battle. We are allowed to have times in which we just can’t do it. Although we won’t get a star for that, we must know that just like the clouds don’t take the stars away, they are merely a cover, so too when we don’t have a victory, we must remember that we are still full of stars projecting the biggest light on this planet.
So I say to myself, as well as to all of you, the next time you feel intense darkness, please open your window and look up at the sky. Look at the stars and then look at yourself and know that deep within you are the brightest stars known to man. Know that you light up the world and although no one sees it, God does and he will repay you tenfold for each and every star you’ve created.
Lastly, I say to myself and again to all of you, the midnight darkness will soon brighten up. Although the world is so dark now, in just a few hours, it will be full of light. The darkness will fade away as the sun begins to rise. We must know, that no matter how dark we feel, it will pass, just like the dark of night passes. The day begins with a sunrise, something so breathtaking and gorgeous. Our darkness will pass and bring us to something just as beautiful as a morning sunrise.