I usually have words to say. I can usually just sit down and the words simply flow out with such ease onto my paper. However, this morning I don’t have words. They are stuck somewhere between my aching heart and the huge lump in my throat. I usually write to you with a pen in my fingers, today I’m going to write with the tears in my eyes.
I’m on my bed depleted of any trace of inner strength. I look back at my life and I see so much pain. I see so much abuse and trauma. I see so much loneliness and despair. People are telling me to move on and live my life but how am I supposed to live my life, If wherever I go and whatever I do, I’m thrown back to my traumatic past.
I’m in therapy for ten years, trying my best to heal from my hellish past but it’s a slow journey. There are so many potholes along the way and at times it seems so impossible. At times I feel like pulling over and stopping.
This is one of those times. I pulled over at the side of the road in my journey of life and I’m gasping for strength. I’m gasping for some understanding in my life which is so full of my past life of pain as well as so much pain and confusion with my current situation. I’m just sitting at the side and watching all the other cars whiz by me with such ease.
It seems as though I’m being tested with the hardest tests and I don’t feel like I have the strength for them. I’m too depleted of energy. I’m out of stamina. I’m wiped out of my usual determination.
So dear Hashem, Dear Father, I’m simply going to raise my white flag of surrender to You. I completely surrender myself over to you and I’m acknowledging that I can’t do this alone. I know You are here with me but I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I’m asking You, to please notice my flag. I’m waiving it high with my last ounce of strength and I’m pleading with you to please see it and find me.
I beg you to please pick me up and carry me through these super dark times. The darkness is so thick that I can’t breath. It’s so confusing and at times so frustrating. It’s so disheartening and painful.
I can’t daven the generic tefillos because they are too triggering and painful and I don’t have the strength for them. Please accept my cries and pleas as though it’s a prayer. It’s my own personal prayer to You to tow my broken down car. I can’t drive this journey alone. I need a tow truck until this darkness passes and then I will attempt to drive again.
I’m also begging you, that although these times are so challenging, I don’t want to lose YOU. My daily battles are pulling at my very core and foundation of my beliefs and that’s something that I’m not willing to give up. However, it’s so hard to see You in this all. It’s so hard to not question and become a bitter man but I’m begging you with my entire heart and soul, please don’t leave me and don’t let me leave You.
Please hold on to me and don’t let me fall. I need every bit of strength and perseverance that I can have and being that I’m running out of it all, I’m coming to You, who has infinite strength to pour some of it into me. Fill me with the power that I need to continue this battle. However, for now, I’m so tired out that I need you to simply carry me for a bit until I regain my strength and then with your help and only with that I’ll be willing to get back on the road and continue my journey.
With love and pain, your aching son.