I was standing in that room, getting that X-ray. It was an innocent X-ray, yet something about it, triggered me very strongly. It triggered extreme pain in my entire being. It caused me to have a mini panic attack and I began to feel weak and shaky, yet somehow I was able to get through it.
A short while ago, the doctor called with the results that all was fine. My mouth responded with the typical thank you and that I was happy to hear that all was okay, yet my heart was screaming that all was not fine. Yes, my lungs were clear and I was happy to hear that but the rest of me, my emotional psyche was very far from clear.
All I can think of is the loneliness that I began to feel in that room which was still going on now. If only the X-ray would show this all. If only the slides would display emotions. If only the trauma that I’ve been through would come up on the screen. If only the crying behind my mask, would’ve been visible. If only a flashback would have numbers that can show up on a blood test!
Yet, unfortunately it doesn’t, hence my loneliness and sadness. I still feel so much of that pain from yesterday. It doesn’t cause a fever. Doesn’t go away with antibiotics. It’s all hidden beneath the very thin facade that I carry. It’s this shell that looks so perfect on the outside and although there are times that I have pure inner peace, there are many times that I’m in true heavy turmoil.
Driving home, I thought I cried it out, but I obviously didn’t as I still feel it so strongly a day later. I still feel those feelings of being in that room. Feeling as though I’m being abused again. Feeling as though those hands that were touching me, were “his” hands. The shame. The pain. The guilt. The confusion. It came pouring out, or rather pouring inward, from my brain to my heart, yet somehow it managed to bypass my lungs as the X-ray showed clear lungs.
So many years ago, “he” stole my innocence, and now so many years later, there are countless innocent occurrences, that bring on extreme and heavy flashbacks. With a heavy heart, I wonder why I was chosen to be murdered, yet kept alive. To be robbed of my insides, while leaving my shell intact. It’s all so painful. This journey has so many peaks and valleys. I’ve had so many breakthroughs and massive victories, yet when I hit a valley, it hurts so much. That room was yet another valley for me.
In this valley, I’m surrounded by tall mountains. There is no flat ground leading to where I am. I therefore know that the only way I got here was from the top of one of these mountains. Although I don’t feel it, I know that I was there, up above and I know that I will get back up there.
Standing down here, I can’t look down, as I’m at the bottom. The only way I can look is upwards. Towards those tall peaks and towards the sky. And so I’m calling out to my dear Father up in heaven. Please see your child down here, so alone and lonely. Please watch over me and make me feel less alone. Please give me the strength, just as You have done so many times in the past. Please give me the courage and strength needed, to begin my climb back up. Please stand behind me so if I fall down, You will be able to catch me.
Please God, I beg of you, fill my heart with peace. Please replace whatever was stolen from me. Please light up my world and the world of so many others fighting the same battle as myself. I talk to so many of them and the darkness they feel is so painful to see. Please fill them with light, strength and perseverance to continue the climb. The invisible climb that no one else sees besides for those on the very same climb.
So my dear readers, next time you’re in a valley, feeling so alone and helpless, please know that you’re not alone. I am with you. I know the pain all too well and I’m happy to be there for you. Please know that although you don’t see me there, I may be in the next valley right beneath the adjacent mountain. Please know that God up above, sees us all and is there with us when we are on our peaks but even more so, when we are in the valleys.