The past week has thrown me into very dark and difficult places. It has brought on many flashbacks. It triggered many old memories. It caused my anxiety to sky rocket. My PTSD is at an all time high. My strength is ebbing away and I don’t know what will be with me when it’s gone. My brain is racing at the speed of sound, paralyzing me with anxiety. It’s causing me to fall apart both physically and emotionally.
Part of me knows that I’ve been through the thick and thin of life. I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve been through times in which I thought I’ll never live to see the other side. Yet, I did see the other side. I still am alive. I’m still flourishing and growing. If I weathered that storm, I can do this one as well.
Yet, there’s another part of me that feels like I’m riding a little boat, full of holes, in a hurricane. The waves are smashing against my boat and I know that it’s just a matter of time before my little vessel gets torn apart and I become a victim of the angry waters surrounding me.
When life around me is normal, when the weather is fine, I’m able to row my little boat and get through the day. Although, I don’t have the strongest boat, I use all my strength to fight and be resilient to accomplish what I want to do. Every trigger punctures a hole in my boat and throws me off course but I use the tools I’ve learned in my years of healing to patch the hole and steer myself back on path. Everyday is a new journey and with the ammunition that I’ve stockpiled from all my years in therapy, in addition to the help of God, I get through the day.
Yet, here I am, in a storm that is threatening the very essence of the globe. There is not a single part of the world that is not a target of this horrible enemy. It’s destroying every aspect of life. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Economically. Spiritually.
It’s puncturing holes in my boat faster than I have the time to repair them. I’m clinging onto my fragile boat for dear life, waiting for this storm to pass. The anxious and traumatized part of my brain is screaming and terrified. Will this storm ever pass? Will the world ever go back to normal? Will we all starve to death? Will we all die out from this invisible enemy? How many more people will die before this comes to an end. These and so many other thoughts are invading every cell in me, causing extreme panic and terror.
Dear readers, whoever you may be, wherever you are, I’m calling out to you. Please know that you are not alone. Please know that I know how us traumatized people become paralyzed with panic over what’s going on in the world around us. I know how it is effecting each and every one of you because I’m there too. I’m on the same road as you and I therefore feel it as well. Although I don’t know who you are, nor can you see your fellow traveler, please know that you’re not alone. The extreme and devastating anxiety that you’re feeling is normal. The thoughts flying through your head is normal. The panic which is so painful that you can literally feel it in your body, is normal. Please don’t feel alone. Please know that although we don’t see each other, we are still all together. This challenge is difficult for everyone, but it’s doubly hard for us victims of trauma and abuse.
And now I turn to God, with an aching heart and a broken soul. Please have mercy on us all. Please look into the hearts of all of those struggling from this pandemic. Please bring this nightmare to an end and the world should return to normal once again.
And now with tears streaming down my face, I plead with you to see the ones that have lived their entire life with anxiety and depression. Look at our broken hearts and souls. Look at our internal wars and daily battles that we need to fight every single day. These battles were going on years before this virus came to the world. This is and was our daily reality since the beginning of our existence. And now with this global and tremendous pandemic, our anxiety and fear has exploded through the roof, crippling our lives and functioning. Please have mercy on all of humanity but please have double mercy on us. We need so much more love and care because we went into this, already bleeding and broken. We were not ready for this and our lives has been turned over from the this sudden and surprise attack. Please help us fight and give us the strength to pull through this all.
In closing, I implore to all of you, in this very difficult time. Please be nice to yourselves. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to worry but when it becomes overwhelming, practice some self care. Reach out to a friend for support, turn on your favorite music, color in a coloring book, go for a long walk. Do something, anything, that will bring you some relief. You deserve it.
And never forget that we didn’t create this pandemic, nor did we choose to be born into a life of struggles and pain. When things get too much, look up to God and hand over all your pain to Him. He has broader shoulders than we do and can handle a lot more than we can. Surrender it all to God. Free yourself of your overwhelming fears and anxiety by giving them over to our Father up in heaven. Although at times, we don’t see His love and compassion, I promise you that He loves us all more than we can imagine!