Thoughts upon seeing my abuser at an event

I just saw you!

You.

The you that robbed my life.

The you that stole my peace of mind.

The you that hurt me and burned me.

The you that extinguished the flame in my soul.

The you that appeared in so many of my nightmares.

The you that changed my life forever.

The you that I am disgusted and sick from.

The you that caused me indescribable pain.

The you that I’m always afraid I’ll meet.

We were both at the same event. I told my wife on my way in that if I see you I will kill you with my bare hands. However, upon seeing you, I was thrown back to that helpless and hopeless young boy. The boy that had no power and no voice. The boy that was a mere piece of meat and pleasure machine for your sick and sadistic brain.

I wish I can go back in but I can’t. I can’t look at your face. I can’t look at your hands which devoured me and ripped my limbs off my body. I can’t look at your mouth that kissed me. I can’t see the fingers that were so free to do whatever it wanted to me. I’m so full of rage and extreme pain at the same time. I feel like sitting down on the floor and simply mourn over the years of my life that you’ve stolen from me.

You took me at my most vulnerable and prime years and turned me into a vegetable. You’ve caused me to live a double life. On the outside I was a teenager like everyone else but on the inside I was different than everyone else. No else gets abused. No else’s body is free. No one else does what I was doing.

And now years later, I’m still living a double life. On the outside I’m a successful person. I’m married and have children and even have my own business but on the inside I’m full of pain and an emptiness that no one other than another victim can understand.

What bothers me so much is the fact that I ran from you. Why don’t you have enough shame to run from me? Why am I sitting in my car crying and you are still inside? Where’s your shame? Where’s your guilt? Where’s you basic humanity? Do you care that you killed me? Does it not bother you that you’ve ruined my life forever? When I confronted you through a text you denied it all and threw it back on me. You gaslighted me back then and you’ve done it again upon being confronted by me.

Can I ask you for compensation for the tens of thousands of dollars that I’ve spent on therapy because of you? Can I ask you to return all the years that you stole from me? In Jewish law, if you steal an animal and slaughter it, you need to pay five times the value.

You stole me, and slaughtered me. If that’s the amount that you owe for an animal, what’s the amount on a person? is there even a dollar amount that can be placed on a person? You owe me years of life, tens of thousands of dollars, hundreds of sleepless nights because of my nightmares of your actions. You owe me my peace of mind that I don’t have. If I would charge you just a small amount for every tear that I’ve shed, you’ll be heavily in debt.

I know it’s going to take me some time to recover from simply seeing you. It brought back so many painful memories and emotions. There is one and only one thing that comforts me right now and that is the very fact that I ran from you and not the other way around. You robbed me of so much of my life but you didn’t take away my heart and sensitivity to others. You dismembered my physical body but not my emotional one. You’ve attacked my body hundreds of times, yet my mind is still intact.

The very fact that you didn’t run from me or at the very least run towards me and apologize for what you’ve done, shows me what a heartless and selfish human being you are. In my heart, I still feel so much pain from you but at least I have a heart. At least I care to hurt someone else.

My brain is so full of memories of the past but the very same brain will never ever cause me to hurt someone else. For that alone, I’m grateful and happy to be who I am. A sensitive and kind person.

So I ask you; Stay at the event. Stay there and enjoy yourself.

I’d like to flip it around. You don’t deserve to be in the same room as me. You are a selfish, sick and narcissistic person and I’m a kindhearted person full of compassion for others. You don’t care to snuff someone’s life away, and I’ll do anything to save someone’s life. Continue your life of bliss and denial and I’ll continue my life of growing and climbing out of the hole you’ve placed me in. However, even after I’ve reached the top of the hole, I will continue growing and climbing the tallest of mountains while you’re still living way down below.

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