Glimmers of light

I’m sitting here, crying, hopefully on the tail end of a very dark few days.

Two nights ago the darkness reached its peak not allowing me to sleep all night. I was feeling awful and decided to try a drive to help me. I went out and drove to the beach and parked near the ocean.

Looking out, I was watching the extreme darkness over the normally beautiful waters of the ocean and couldn’t help but draw a parallel to my current emotional state.

On a typical sunny day, I can spend hours gazing at the beautiful ocean.

The gorgeous blue waters of the sea mirror the beautiful blue sky. I can listen to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore in perfect symmetry, crashing aloud yet so soft at the same time. As I would look further into the sea, I would see how the sky and the water become one. It’s as though the water is telling me that I can reach the sky if I put my mind to it.

However, on that dark night, I saw none of that.

No sky.

No water.

No waves.

Nothing other than pure and absolute darkness.

Looking back into my dark car, into myself, into my soul, I felt as one with the vibe I was getting.

I too felt so dark. So alone. So lonely and so full of pain.

Although I’ve heard you all say that my soul is bright and that I need to look at the beauty within me, at that moment, in the darkness of my soul, I saw and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

No soul.

No family.

No love.

Nothing at all other than extreme darkness.

I was there alone, in the darkness of the night sitting with the darkness in my soul.

If you’d see me, you’ll see a man with a beautiful ocean. I have an amazing spouse and children. I have a great job. I own a house.

While I agree I have a lot to be grateful for, and believe me I don’t take that lightly, on that dark night, I was in the midst of a very dark period.

There was no one out there throwing me a lifeline. There were no ships coming to lift me above the brutally cold waters. It was me and my soul; hurting, haunted and shattered from all the abuse and trauma I’ve endured.

While feeling so alone, I opened my window to get some fresh air. It was then that I heard the crashing of the waves. I heard them doing their job in the silence and stillness of the night and there was a part of me that tapped into that moment.

While yes I am feeling so alone and broken but just like the waves, if I keep going, daytime will come and I’ll be able to see the beauty of the world, of my life, of my accomplishments and of my healing I’ve made thus far.

This morning, that moment arrived. I’m sitting alone once again and crying, albeit this time crying tears of inner joy. My absolute amazing children have done something that has made me feel so proud. I know how much bravery it took. I know I couldn’t do this as child as I didn’t feel safe enough.

I now see that despite the pain and darkness I live with, my inner waves keep going and they see that and are able to tap into that energy, giving them the confidence and courage to be them. To simply be and to take on the task they’ve chosen to do with confidence and strength.

This is my personal sunshine.

This is my sunrise lighting up my inner landscape, showing me the beauty of my life.

Showing me that despite the darkness, the constant, brutal and painful self work I’ve been doing over the past many years is paying off.

It’s showing me that even within darkness, life still exists.

So to all you out there, still in the dark, I’m sharing this special moment with you.

I’m lending some of the light shining onto and into my world right now. I want you to take part of this and for you to see that sun does rise and if your sun hasn’t risen yet, I’ll share some of my light to brighten your darkness even a bit.