This week is a very unique anniversary for me. It marks the date of when I began my journey of healing, twelve years ago. It was a cold, rainy and windy morning when I first stepped into that office. I’ve been in many rooms and offices since, have grown and fallen too many times to count, however this year, this week, I feel a tremendous feeling of gratefulness as to where I am in my journey. I’d like to dedicate this writing in honor of all the many brave and courageous soldiers traveling alongside me.
There was a thought that randomly entered my mind a few minutes ago and it actually brought tears to my eyes. Many a time when I get these thoughts or feelings I feel the need to solidify them by putting them into writing. Like I’ve said many times before, there are many elements in the universe that have complete opposite purposes.
Fire, on the positive end, is the source of all electric. It powers everything we have today. It is one of the most powerful positive creations. On the negative end, it destroys houses and buildings and causes untold damage to both physical life as well as human life.
Water, can energize machinery. It has immense powers as well as being the source of the most magnificent beaches and oceans. On the opposite spectrum, it can destroy blocks and cities in a matter of a few minutes.
There are many more examples of this phenomenon. Steam, wind, sunshine and so much more, have this paradoxical aspect to them. They can be both, immensely beneficial and extremely harmful.
I feel the same towards my own life filled with traumas, almost too many to count. It broke me. It hurt me. It caused me untold suffering and harm. Caused me to go to extreme suicidal places. It was and still is the source of profound suffering both physically and emotionally. It’s the source of my daily battles and struggles to either continue the fight or to raise the white flag and give in. It’s the reason behind so many of my life’s decisions. It’s the source of my non stop nightmares, triggers and flashbacks and so much more.
At the same time, on the opposite spectrum. It molded who I am today. Made me more sensitive and caring. Caused me to be more intuitive and empathetic. It’s the reason why I opened this blog to begin with. To share my journey and hopefully give strength to others. It has taught me how to become a better father and husband. It has taught me to become non judgmental of others.
I’ve asked myself many times, if I were to start my life over, would I choose my trauma? I like being honest and transparent and I’ll therefore give my honest answer. I’m not at the place where I can say it was all worth it. I’m not healed enough for that and I don’t know if I ever will be. However, now that I am where I am, just like all the above examples, which are both, extremely destructive and constructive at the same time, I feel like my trauma is and was the same.
To all of you out there, I ask you, take a moment, just one moment and look deeply into yourself. Although I’ve never met any of you, I feel for you more than you’ll ever know. I feel your pain. I feel your deep and extreme darkness. At the same time, did this not make you stronger, better, more resilient? Did this not make you more caring and sensitive to others? Did this not help you give support to even one person out there struggling with our invisible battles?
The saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people.”
Many or perhaps most abusive people, have been through some sort of trauma and instead of being strong enough to dig deeply into their wounded soul, they took the easy way out and let out their anger and inner suffering onto others. It’s unfortunately so common.
The very fact that you are on this journey, is so admirable. So special and takes so much strength! Please take a moment to be proud of that. I know how hard it is to feel proud when you’re brain is flying with urges of self harm and suicidal thoughts. When your inner voices are fighting like hell with each other. I struggle with that and i know how hard it is. Yet I ask you, to take a moment along with me, to feel proud and strong for taking the path that we chose.
It’s been a twelve year journey for me. I’ve tried and continue to try so hard to undo and relearn so much, on so many different levels, in so many areas. It’s been a war with many battles. Perhaps hundreds or possibly thousands of them. But this week on this very unique anniversary, I’m asking you to help me with this special moment of inspiration and hope. With feeling strong and proud that I chose the journey of healing, which is both hell and paradise at the very same time. Please share this moment with me and please feel it deeply inside your soul. For just a moment allow yourself to feel all your enormous strength and resilience that helped you get to where you are today! Please allow yourself to feel all the goodness deep within you, created by the very same traumas meant to break you!
Thank you all so much!